Changes.

My oldest, JT, graduated in 2013. He attended DMACC in Ankeny for two years, living with us, and driving to his classes. He worked out at his Grandpa's farm on his 'off' time. He moved out on August 1, 2015. Not going to lie, I loved having him stay with me for two more years. On Monday, he began his journey at Iowa State University majoring in Agronomy. He is living with four other guys in a great house off campus. He's moving on. I know I'm supposed to be able to let him go. At his age, I was MARRIED and PREGNANT with him!!! I guess time marches on, with or without my permission. 

My Ben, last Thursday, started DMACC in Boone. He, too, is commuting. I am thankful he hasn't left me! His classes this semester are over by 12:15 pm. He lives with us, and is working a lot at Casey's General Store two blocks from our house. He's not entirely sure what he wants to do yet, but he's getting his gen eds out of the way in the cheapest way he can...which is smart!! 

My Levi, started 7th grade. He's in the "Big Building"...and Mommy is freaking out. He's doing good. I know he is...so, anyone...why am I so damned emotional? This year has been so darn hard on me??

I always try to find the positives in my posts. Right now...even though I know there are TONS of positives, I just want to find a time machine and throw me back about eight or nine years, knowing what I know now, and just throw my arms around them and never let them go. I have a feeling I'm not alone. 

To all my friends who are 'adjusting' right now, like I am...we'll get through this. Love you all.

Fourth and FINAL...(finally!!)

Now, there were more hurdles to jump. Ben started having more trouble with his eyes. He developed iritis. This is a painful inflammation of the iris. It's like arthritis of the eye. This flared up from time to time, and every time it happened his vision got even worse, if that was possible. He was also struggling with chronic nosebleeds. Eventually, he had to have nasal cauterization. That slowed them down for awhile, but he does still have this problem from time to time. Mostly during allergy season. (The twerp won't take the nasal spray that is supposed to help, so I only feel 75% sorry for him when it happens. I'm kind of a bitch that way.) Again, these are just things he has to live with. We do our best to keep them under control, but sometimes no matter what you do, you can't stop things from happening.

JT started having very red and painful eyes, too, and was diagnosed with CLARE (contact lens associated red eye) Basically, it means that not enough oxygen gets to his eyes when he wears his contacts. However, he can see much better with contacts than glasses, and even though we spring for the most breathable contacts on the market that can fill his prescription...again, a hurdle. It helps if he doesn't wear his contacts for full days at a time. He recently got new glasses that are probably better than most of the glasses he's ever had, and I think he sees pretty well with them, but he still prefers contacts.

Remember when I told you that the boys were not supposed to be in contact sports? I will never forget the day, when JT came home in tears...because he wanted to play football more than anything. I was torn, but I was sticking with what the doctor said. NO WAY! John and JT kind of...'went over my head' and he went out for football in seventh grade. I agreed to let him be the kicker. JUST the kicker. I think that lasted one game, and then he pretty much played the whole time. Those games..I practically needed a barf bag I was such a wreck. I was excited for him, but incredibly scared for him. One time, he came running off the field holding his eye, and I almost lost it...but as it was, he had either lost his contact or got something in it, I can't remember which...but yeah, that one almost gave me a heart attack. And two years later, Ben was out for football too. Double stress ball over here. Like I said, I loved watching their games, and I was proud of them and happy for them, but just so incredibly worried!! This is Ben's senior year, we are four games into the season. All is well. Hang on, Mommy...we're almost there!

And they were both able to get their licenses! It took Ben longer to get it, but they finally found the right prescription for his glasses and he squeaked by, but cannot drive at night. JT started out not being able to drive at night but eventually got his prescription tweaked enough to get his night driving. Thing is, every year they both have to submit a vision statement from the eye doctor in order to keep their licenses, so that is sometimes stressful, because depending on if something is flaring up, they may not see as well as other times. Also, their eyes are not going to get better. We just hope they stay as good as they are for a long time.

Then, when John turned 40, all of the sudden, one side of his face went numb. It just hung there, he couldn't really even drink without some of it spilling out! We were like, what the hell?? He went to the doctor, and she diagnosed him with Bells Palsy. He was put on a strong antibiotic and within a couple weeks it seemed it had gone away and things got back to normal.

"Normal."

Maybe a year or so later, John started having weakness in his legs. He wasn't able to pick up his feet like he used to. One foot started to turn outward more and more when he walked. He fell a lot...he was easily tripped up. He would cramp up terribly, at times just yelling in pain. Finally after awhile, we were sent to Iowa City. He had an MRI on his brain, and spine...they found something. There was a 'spot' on his brain and a 'spot' on his spine they were concerned about. We had to see a rheumatologist and a neurologist. They agreed he needed to have the spot on his spine biopsied to see what it was. The surgery lasted 12 hours. When the surgeon came in to talk to me, he said they weren't able to get a very good biopsy because the growth was wrapped up in his spine. They weren't even able to get a good sample. John was stuck flat on his back for five days in the hospital, for basically nothing. The diagnosis came back. Neurosarcoidosis. "Sarcoidosis" is a disease involving abnormal collections of inflammatory cells on your organs. Typically, it tends to start in the lungs, but John's started on his brain and spine. This is something that can go into remission (meaning it's not getting any worse), but it can also flare up. He was put on large doses of prednisone, methotrexate, calcium...and he operates at about 65%. He still goes to work, he can hunt if there's not a lot of walking on uneven ground, but he has had to make a lot of changes to accept his 'new' body, and it's been very hard to face his limitations. To simplify, it stinks.

There are a lot of times I wonder what I did to screw up my family so badly. Again, I know most of you would probably slap me for thinking this, but I can't help it. Of course, these are my darker times. I try very hard to find humor in the day to day. And there is a lot of it to be found if you don't mind laughing at morbid things! It's about finding things funny in the things that aren't particularly funny. I'm pretty good at it. There's more than that, though...

There's family. My family and John's family are simply incredible. You could not ask for more support. They pick us up, the help us out, and mostly they love us and are always there when we need them, even if just to vent. People tell me I'm 'amazing'...and I always have to laugh at that. I'm not. Do you know how many times I've gotten mad at God? Just hauled off and told him what I thought of his 'plan'? More than I can count. But usually after I'm done letting Him know exactly how I feel, when I calm down, I am able to see the beautiful things in my life. I see a gorgeous day outside. I look at the smile on Levi's face when he's truly enjoying himself. I see the energy in Ben's eyes when he's had a good football game...I am filled with pride when I see how hard JT works, both in school and at work. And underneath the smiles, the energy, the pride, are struggles overcome. These boys have each had to fight to get where they are in the world. Nothing, and I mean nothing, came easy. And, in some way, that makes it all a little sweeter. I don't get to take vacations. I don't drive a nice vehicle. My house is tiny. I don't have much...but my heart is full. At times, it's broken, sometimes it just plain hurts, but it reminds me that I'm alive, and that nothing is promised. You take the good with the bad. It makes those good times, those calm times, so much more appreciated. I had to be taught that. I'm glad I was. I mean, I could have done with a little less drama, but who am I kidding, I've always been a tad on the dramatic side.

I also have a lot of friends. Wonderful friends. Teachers and therapists, and doctors, I never would have met that have found places in my life. I want to list them, but I don't dare, because there are too many, you'd get bored, and I'd leave someone out.

So, that is a fairly shortened version of 'our story'. If you've read all four of these installments, I have to ask how on earth you have not been bored to tears by now. There were times I grew bored writing it. However, it is kind of therapeutic, and I'm really glad I went on this journey. Thank you for all the 92 'likes' to get me to do this...I hope you don't regret it! (and I can't believe it's only taken me 24 hours to complete!! HELL YEAH, BABY!!)

Love to you all.

Ten-four!

Part Three

Meanwhile, back in Levi's world, we were getting him started in therapy. Occupational therapy is what we started with. We went to Mary Greeley. We had two awesome therapists there, first Jen, then Camilla.  Camilla was awesome. She was from, Hong Kong, maybe? I don't know for sure, but she had a very...how you say...thick accent. Now, at this time, Levi is only just beginning to attempt to actually communicate properly with words. We had to start very small...like I would take a light up toy he loved and I would turn it on. He'd watch it, get excited, and then I would turn it off. Then, with some prompting, he would say, 'on'. Now, this may not have exactly been the perfect scenario...having Camilla with her...strong accent, and Levi trying to learn to talk. But let me tell you. It was damn funny. Pretty soon, Levi developed a perfect Hong Kong accent when he worked with Camilla. He knew where the toy cupboard was, and so he would walk over and stand in front of it. Camilla would say, "oooohhh Leeevi...what you want?? Shoo I opa dooah?" (open door). So Levi would say, "oopa dooah!" One day she was reading a book to him about animals. She turned the page and said, "oooohhh Leeeeevi, what is dat? Is that a furree karara beyah?" (furry Koala bear) So Levi, "furree karara beyah!!" After therapy, I would take Levi to Target, and he would pick out a little something. It kind of got to be our thing. Nothing much, something small, but it was something we did that he loved. Camilla used to say, "ohhhh Leeevi, are you going to Taaaahget??" So, Levi called it "Taaaaahget." One night, we pulled in and he looked at the big red letters, and said, "Taaaahget...tarr...TARGET" like he JUST THEN realized it had an R in it because he read it! It was so funny! At the end of every session, she would have Levi make himself a "peeenud buttah jello" sandwich. After two wonderful years with her, she moved, and we had to find a new place for therapy. Child Serve has been wonderful. He has had occupational therapy, speech therapy and food group. Now he does group occupational therapy and he does very well. He has his times where things don't go so well, but hey, who doesn't have a bad day once in awhile? There is something about Levi that has always drawn people to him, which is funny because he would prefer to just be left the hell alone. His therapists and teachers have all loved him...and that has been such a huge blessing. See how those blessings keep sneaking in there?

Back to Ben. Dr. Ferguson and Dr. Suh had been corresponding back and forth about all of Ben's issues. Then, Dr. Suh made a discovery. There was a connection between what was going on with Ben's eyes, and what was going on with his joints. It was called "Stickler's Syndrome". Ever heard of it? Yeah, me either. Stickler's Syndrome is a genetic disease that affects all of the connective tissues in your body. Joints, eyes, heart, etc. It affects one in ten thousand. Yeah, that seemed about right! The most prominent symptom of  Stickler's Syndrome is a cleft palate, and he did not have that, but there were also other facial features that were consistent with the diagnosis. They are not obvious, just characteristics. (because quite frankly, I think he has a cute little face.) SO, there we were. Stickler's Syndrome really is just a 'treat-the-symptom' type deal. JRA is a symptom. So are the eye problems. Other problems could be hearing loss, mitral valve prolapse, and numerous joint issues. I know there's more, but that's all I'm gonna say. Now, because JT had the same type eye issues, they decided to check him out a little further. He also has Stickler's Syndrome. Fortunately for him, the only symptom he has at this time is the eye problems. However, at any time others could emerge, so we have that to look forward to. (ugh). They claim that Stickler's is genetic. So, in a nutshell, my genes and  John's genes (I love this word) 'mutated' to give us two kids with Sticklers. I'm pretty proud. Well, maybe not proud, but 2 in 20,000?? I'm at LEAST special!!!

So, now, since we had two kids with Sticklers and one with Autism, the genetics doctors wanted to get involved. We went, twice. We could go through a series of tests that weren't covered by insurance and were only 70% accurate to see how this all happened, but in the end, I realized I didn't care how this all happened. I just wanted to know where to go from here and what the chances were of the boys passing it on to their children. The odds are pretty high. Also, the genetics doctor, in his report, referred to Levi as 'mentally retarded'. So, I was pretty much done with those people. Grr.

And there we were, my little mutant family...

(end part 3)

Part Two

Our appointment finally came. I was not the basket case I had been, but I was very nervous. We saw Dr. Morquendez in Iowa City. He diagnosed Ben with PVNS...a fairly rare disease of the joint lining. They decided it would be in Ben's best interest to do surgery. (*panic mode*) The surgery would basically be going in and 'cleaning up' the over growth of tissue surrounding his knee. Now, I realize this is not what it could have been, and thankfully they had stopped using the words 'cancer' and 'tumor'. But, what can I say. I'm a mommy. The thought of someone taking a knife to my baby freaked me out. But like I said, I was very thankful that it was no longer as scary as it could have been! Surgery day came, and it took longer than the doctor told us it would. But, he was pretty confident that he had achieved his goal. Poor Ben did not come out of the anesthesia very well...he threw up for quite awhile in recovery, but we got him in the car. snuggled him up in the back seat, and much to our relief he slept the whole way home. I can't remember how long he was out of school, a week, maybe? And when he went back, I will always remember how kind Mrs. Walker was to him, and very sweet letting him keep his leg up on a pillow...she took very good care of him, and of course, when someone is kind to your child, you hold a special place in your heart for that person. My heart is pretty big, because there have been so many people who have helped us along our way!! I will never forget, when Ben was still home, Mrs. Walker stopped over to give Ben his homework. Tom Isebrands was picking up his kids from daycare, and we were visiting when she walked in. She was, in her way, firmly telling Ben he needed to keep up on his homework, and she looked at Tom and she said, "Tom, tell this boy who I am!" And to look at Tom you would have thought he had reverted back to a little six year old boy, the look on his face was priceless. He said, "Ben, this is Mrs. Walker. My first grade teacher." Ben's jaw hit the floor. It was so funny!! After they left Ben looked at me and said, "How OLD IS SHE????"

Meanwhile, things were becoming very...interesting with Levi. My little 'quirky' 'meticulous' little guy was not quite hitting his milestones. He didn't have a lot of speech...he never called me "Mom"...and there were just so many things he did that often had me scratching my head. Now, I would like to give myself an 'out' by saying, maybe I was just too close to the situation to really see what was going on. He used to quote books I had read to him, and when he stopped, he wanted me to take over where he left off. I can't tell you how many books I memorized just so that I could do what he wanted. I liked it because he was talking, but it was never really a conversation...but it became the way we communicated. From the story he was reciting, he was able to tell me what he wanted. I'm not sure how I ever figured that out, but I did, and it worked for us. I was still in this bubble of thinking, he's so cute and unique!! (that is still true...but there was a lot more I should have been thinking. I blame the fact that I used to be blonde. Just let me have this one.)

One day, I was picking up the house after daycare. I had some flashcards. I dropped them on the floor. This, my friends, was my official Rain Man moment. Levi started helping me pick up the cards, handing them to me, telling me what was on them. These were letter flash cards, and he was handing them to me, saying, S. K. M. H. P. They weren't in order...he just knew them. Now, keep in mind, that he really did not communicate like this at all. My first thought, instead of wow! He's so smart! was, oh crap. This is almost like Autism. That weekend was Memorial Day weekend, and we went to Cutty's Campground with the Greenfields like we always did. I took the flashcards to show my sister in law, Dawn, and my mother in law, Judy, what he could do. I said the words out loud. "It's almost like Autism.." Dawn and Judy exchanged a glance, and Dawn said, "I'm so glad you said that!!!" Here, they had thought it for some time...and bonehead me...clueless! I was actually hurt, that they had thought it and had never said it. Really hurt...and when I got home, I called my mom and I told her about it, and she said, 'I wondered.." here she had been thinking it too! I was completely devastated that none of them had ever said anything to me! Then I kind of thought about it. How the heck would you tell someone that? I totally understand why they didn't say anything, what a hard situation. In their situation, I would have kept my mouth shut, too. And honestly, looking back, that's how it needed to happen. I needed to be slapped up side the head with it, and the flash card incident was perfect. So, I called Staci Thompson, to see if she knew who I should contact, and she got me the number of the AEA. They came and interviewed us, and observed Levi, and within minutes, they knew. In fact, they were kind of amazed at how 'text book' his behavior was. Classic Autism. Go big or go home, right? Way to go, Levi!

Next step, Iowa City. Center of Disability and Development. Levi was so scared. And we had to see a lot of people. Now, at this time, he was afraid of doors. And elevators. I wish I knew why. But he cried, pretty much the entire day. It was hell. My sister, Cathy went with us, and she can tell you just how awful that day was. That's all I have to say about that.

Then, we got him signed up for school. He started DLC on his third birthday. I was NOT ready to send him out into the world! I was scared for him, because he had so many fears, and no one knew him, and would they know what to do with him? Would they be able to understand what he needed?? This is when my faith came in handy, again...I had to let go, trust that God was watching him, and trust in the teachers. It was not easy. But, Mrs. Sloan was amazing. I liked her instantly, and she took very good care of my little boy.

Meanwhile, we noticed Ben's knee was swelling up again. After some back and forths with a couple of different doctors, they decided that we needed to take Ben to a Pediatric Rheumatologist. Enter one Doctor Polly Ferguson. Funny, as we were so focused on his knee, we didn't notice his ankle was huge, too! (another fine moment for me...) Turns out Ben was suffering from JRA. (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis) We've been with Dr. Ferguson for ten years. About every three to four months, we had to take him to Iowa City. He was on several different medications, and sometimes they worked, and kept the swelling down, and sometimes they didn't, and we had to try different doses, different medications...at times it was okay, at times it was frustrating, but it wasn't life threatening, just life altering. And I could deal with life altering.

One day, Ben started complaining about his back hurting. I thought it was probably because his backpack was just too heavy for him...it was kind of ridiculous! I could barely lift the thing! It kept getting worse, so back to the doctor we went. After some x rays, Ben got a new diagnosis. Spondylolisthesis. A small fracture in his spine. Some people can live their whole lives with this and never know they even have it, but not Ben! He ended up in a back brace he had to wear for eight weeks. He could take it off to sleep. He hated that thing. I didn't blame him, it looked like a corset. I talked to the school and they agreed to let Ben keep a set of books at home so he would not have to carry a heavy backpack, so that was very nice! Eventually that pain went away, and although he will always have that little fracture, it doesn't seem to bother him too much these days. Definitely a blessing!
(End of Part 2)

Here Goes!

For YEARS, people have been saying, "Kim, you should write a book." I'm not really much of a writer, as much as a storyteller...but be that as it may, my little family has had quite the journey. Here is some of our story. 

John and I were married in 1992. I was 19. A week after my 21st birthday, I found out I was expecting our first child. See, there was this Vikings game, and they played the Chiefs...when Joe Montana was playing for them...and well, I really thought Joe Montana was...well...a massive hottie. John was busy watching the Vikings cheerleaders...and well, nine months later we were blessed with a lovely 9lb 3 oz baby boy! TMI? You may wanna stop reading now. It's not going to get better. :)

JT was beautiful. Even though I pretty much freaked out about becoming a mother the entire time I was pregnant, once he came along, everything just felt right. He was healthy, he was 'totes adorbs' (hehe) and he was ours. 

20 months later, we were blessed again with another son...tipping the scales at 9lbs 13oz, a fiery little red-headed Ben came into this world...beautiful, perfect, and pissed. In fact, the hospital nursery wouldn't take Ben. They made him sleep in my bed with me. All the little twerp wanted to do was eat. 18 years later, and nothing has changed. Not the temper, not the appetite. He'll be the first to admit it.

So, there we were. This little family of four. A few years passed, and it was time to send JT to PRESCHOOL!! Kris Boyd, JT's preschool teacher, was concerned JT needed his eyes checked. You will notice, all throughout this story, how I was oblivious to so much. Yes, I had always noticed JT liked to have things right in front of his face, but it never really occurred to me that he couldn't see. Can you say, "DUH, KIM???" (if you can, you'll be saying it a lot.) 

We took JT to the eye doctor. Come to find out not only did he need glasses, but he was borderline legally blind. WHAATT??? Yep. Poor little guy!! I felt like a complete idiot. But, in my defense, he was born like that, and he adapted. Funny, how he just made do with what he had. I will never forget when he got his glasses, and he was sitting at the kitchen table, and he looked up at the wall, and there was this huge doorbell thing hanging there and he said, 'when did we get that?' Yeah, it had been there his whole life. 

So, we thought we better get Ben checked out. The first eye doctor we went to said, "He's ok. If anything maybe one step far sighted." We breathed a huge sigh of relief! However, after watching him more and more, we decided to take Ben to JT's eye doctor, Dr. Suh at the Wolfe Clinic in Ames. Come to find out Ben's eyes were WORSE than JT's. Eventually it was discussed with us that chances are, neither boy would probably ever drive. The boys were seen every six months for quite awhile...always needing different prescriptions, different glasses, different bifocals, you name it, we did it. Ben even had to wear a patch over his right eye for six months (a few hours a day) to strengthen his left eye. He hated the patch, so finally they gave us drops, that made his right eye blurry.,,making his left eye work harder. (One time, John accidentally put those drops in both of his eyes before he went to work...and he had to drive all over the place...HAHAHAHA....big whoopsie there!!!) Also, after more appointments, Dr. Suh told us that the boys would never be candidates for corrective eye surgery...and that neither boy should ever be in contact sports due to a high risk of retinal detachment. More crappy news!!

When JT was almost seven and Ben was five, I found out I was expecting again. I'm just gonna tell you, this one came outta left field! I was completely shocked, especially since I had always made it well known that I was DONE having kids...I wish I could lie and say I was really excited, but I wasn't. I was so afraid about going through this eye stuff again,..and I didn't want to! Everyone was full of 'congratulations' except one. When we told Lom Cavan, he looked at me, and just said, "No f**king way!" Finally, someone shared my reaction! However, about nine weeks in, I had accepted it, and was starting to warm up to the idea of having three kids. One morning, I woke up gushing blood. I was fourteen weeks along. I didn't really understand what was happening, and by the time I got to the hospital they told me I was within a half hour of dying. I lost the baby. I blamed myself big time...because of my initial reaction. I actually still do blame myself...I know it doesn't make sense, but I guess we all have our ways of dealing with grief. 

When JT was eight, and Ben was six, we were blessed with one Mr. Levi Greenfield. Born three weeks early, he weighed exactly 7lbs. I had no idea what to do with a baby that small. I was used to my kids coming out half grown!!! He was so cute! When he was eight weeks old, he spiked a fever. Dr. Nau put him in the hospital, for fear of meningitis...talk about freaking out. I was a mess...this was a very new experience...and I thought eyes were bad! After three days of a lot of monitoring, we were able to go home. They never really figured out the cause of that illness, but it never repeated itself and I count my blessings for that. 

Levi was a bit of a mystery. He was so hard to get to sleep at night. It got to the point where the only place he would sleep was in his car seat on the living room couch, and it had to be dead quiet except for his "special puppy" that played music for 15 minutes at a time. I remember having to tiptoe to bed at like, 8:30 when he fell asleep...just to try to keep him sleeping, and for a night owl like myself, that was a special kind of suck. I experienced some postpartum depression...I just felt like my entire life had just came to some crazy screeching halt. I would find out a little later how accurate that was. 

So, the next two years we muddled along. By nine months, Levi slept in his crib. He actually became a pretty good sleeper, but would not nap during the day, which made daycare naptime a little hairy! He was also very...as I always said, quirky. The way he played, the things he did...he was so meticulous...he fascinated me. Then, something happened....

One day, Staci Thompson, Ben's first grade teacher, called me to ask if I had noticed Ben's knee was swollen. When he got home I looked at it, and it was HUGE. He did not remember falling on it at any point, and it wasn't bruised. So, off we went to Dr. Greenwold (sp?? I can't remember) in Ames. He wanted to do an MRI. He called me personally when he got the results. He said, "Kim, I don't THINK it's cancer, but it does have tumor like tendencies. We need to get him in to Iowa City." So, we got the appointment set up, but the soonest they could see us was four weeks away. Let me tell you something. When a doctor uses the word 'tumor' about your eight year old son, and you have to wait four weeks to know for sure, your mind goes...well...bat shit crazy. 

One Sunday, at church...they had the 'annointing of the sick'. I took Ben up to have him blessed.  When we returned to our seats...I closed my eyes and tears just poured out. I remembered how people would say, "give it to God". I prayed while the tears fell down my cheeks..."God. I have no control over what is going to happen to my sweet boy. Please take this worry from me, and give me the strength to do what he needs me to do, no matter what the outcome." And...no kidding, people...the weight literally lifted from my heart. I felt it. Believe it, don't believe it, it happened. That was a very powerful and eye opening moment in my life that will forever be just between God and me. I don't talk about my faith much. I have always considered it to be a very personal thing. But that moment I will share with you. It got me through what came next.

(End of Part 1)

    

Confessions of a Woman on the Verge.

I have been thinking a lot about how my mother handled things when we were little. Always with dignity, poise and grace. I'm not saying she never got mad and blew up at us, I mean, although I would personally describe her as a saint, she is still human. When you are raising seven children, I can imagine sometimes you just reach that boiling point. I also remember that when we pushed her to that point, when Dad got home, we were about to get our asses handed to us...but I digress. Mom just never said some of the things that have flown out of my mouth in the direction of my children. And I only have three. It's a little humiliating when I look back on it. Like, seriously, Kim...did you honestly say that???

But the truth is, yes...yes I did. When JT and Ben were little, and they were pushing my buttons and not listening and they were on my last rapidly fraying nerve, I told them I was taking them to the "New Mommy Store" and they could pick out one they liked better and thought they could listen to. Now, we all know this store doesn't exist, but at the time THEY didn't know that and it proved to be a rather effective threat. They still talk about it to this day...I'm not quite as ashamed of this as I am about the time I asked Ben to take the garbage out and he started whining about it, and out of my mouth flew..."Ben! Grow a ball and take the freakin garbage out!!!!!" JT, of course, burst out laughing hysterically and continued for a long, long time. Ben, also found my frustration hilarious, thus ending in me taking the garbage out myself as they were both in hysterics. I had to wonder if my mother ever wanted to tell one of my three brothers to 'grow a ball' and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. Strike out for Kim...I know there have been other times where my darling older two boys (in very recent events) have been 'difficult' as teenage boys can be, and I have threatened many horrible things to their manhood if they didn't do what I was asking. I don't know why that is the first thing that flies out of my mouth, but sadly, it is. I think for Lent this year I'll try to stop threatening to cut off certain parts of their anatomy as a punishment...it really isn't very appropriate...which is why, I suppose, it's the worst thing I can come up with when they have pushed me too far...but by now, they have figured out that it is, indeed, and empty threat. I have also told them I was going to beat them with a red hot poker, which again, probably isn't going to happen. At the very least, I don't usually tell them that "I brought them into this world and I can take them out"...although I'm not saying I have NEVER said that..just not usually. That has to stand for something. (I hope.)

People often tell me how well I handle things. I wonder if these people are now reconsidering this...if not, there's more.

I have sent Levi to school without underwear. Honestly, I know when I got him dressed that morning, I had underwear on him, but I'm thinking he might have ditched them in the bathroom sometime between when I dressed him and when I sent him on his merry little way. Either way, I sent my kid to school commando. In jeans. With a zipper. Does anyone else see how this might have ended badly? Luckily, his teachers were nice enough to give me a call and alert me to the situation. Just last week, I sent him to school without socks. Seriously?? Where the heck is my head these days??? While I'm confessing, I have also let him eat a Twinkie and Dr. Pepper for breakfast. He wouldn't eat and he had to take his medicine!! I'm not proud of it...but I did it! Mother of the Year? Maybe not. Okay, probably not...especially after this morning when one of my daycare parents came in laughing and informed me there was a pair of Levi's underwear in front of the tree in the yard. I am terrified to know what they were doing there! I swear...only here...:(

There's more...soooo much more....

But right now, I have to go throw some underwear in the yard, feed Levi a Twinkie, hide his socks, threaten JT and Ben's manhood and hit the New Mommy Store...

Sorry, Mom...I just don't know what happened to me...but I'm pretty sure it wasn't your fault. :)

The Christmas Letter That Felt Wrong To Send.

Read this only if you want to! That way, I feel I sent one out, but gave you the option of not clicking on the link. :)

Our 2011.

We started out the year with surgery for John. They found a tumor in his spine, and some spots in his brain as well. After a seven hour surgery, that was supposed to only be six, they found that they could not remove the tumor, as it was wrapped around his spinal cord. They took a biopsy...and after a lot of consulting (he had a team of like, 20 doctors reviewing his case) they decided that it was neurosarcoidosis. This is something that will be with him forever. When things flare up, high doses of prednisone (a steroid) will improve symptoms. However, later on this year, after he had gone off prednisone, symptoms started returning, even though he was on methotrexate and plaquinil. His body is resisting treatment, and he is back on the steroids now. We are now trying to give him his methotrexate by injection instead of orally, in the hopes that his body absorbs it better this way, and hopefully, we can get rid of the steroids entirely. This is a disease that can actually go into remission, but so far, I don't feel that it has done that. He struggles to walk, and his lower extremities are comprimised. His upper body remains strong. We visit Iowa City a lot...but we just don't get the answers we want. Please, pray for him if you get the chance. 43 is much too young to feel this damned old.

JT is such an amazing young man. He stays on the honor roll, he plays football, which he loves. He had some injuries to his knee this year that kept him out of some games, but still managed to letter. I am so proud of him! He has a lot of wonderful friends that I have gotten to know, and the kid is just kind of amazing. He's compassionate, hard working...he's the apple of his mommy's eye...seriously. I couldn't ask for a better teenager. I wish that you could see him with Levi. He just loves that kid with everything he has...and that in itself is simply outstanding. Levi will be lost when JT is old enough for college....I can't even register the fact that he will be a senior next year. Why is it that you always have to find out the hard way that people are right when they say..."time goes fast..." Ugh.

Benny cracks me up...daily. He is such a witty little guy...and I am so proud of everything he has to overcome. This year, we found out that the arthritis medicine that he takes isn't enough. We had to add Humira injections. The crappy thing is the side effects. I am increasing his risk of like, six different cancers and auto immune disease. I struggled with the decision to put him on this medicine, but it really wasn't a choice anymore. His right knee was three times it's usual size...due to arthritis. We also found out that his eyes are not good enough for him to be able to drive. However, he bought a truck anyway. :) John's work was getting rid of the work truck, and sold it to Benny for $2. He named it Yamanashi and makes JT drive him around in it. It's hilarious. He is over the moon about it.

Levi is doing pretty well. He hates school...he hates talking about school...he hates having conversations, and well, if we would all just leave him the hell alone, he'd be elated. He lets us know when he wants to be tickled or teased...and when he wants to be left alone. He is actually doing awesome in school, but his classes are modified. We are so lucky to have people like Lori Soloviyov, Holly Herrick, and Jered Johnston in his life. They help me so much...and Levi honestly loves them. He is a blessing. He teaches me so much everyday...I am so lucky to have this little guy in my life...his laugh is completely contagious.

Me...I guess that brings me to ME...I am doing alright. I have a full daycare including a set of twins that are 3 months old...and another 11 month old baby...along with all the others, that is a lot of bottle feeding and rocking...but honestly, I love it. I don't get a lot done in a day, but at the end of the day, I feel like I have made a difference!! I TRY to keep up with housework...but fail daily. Sometimes I catch up, but it only lasts an hour or two. I struggle sometimes...with why we have been dealt the hand we've been dealt....but I have an amazing family...and very strong friends who hold me up when I feel like I can't anymore...could not be more thankful for that.

See? This sounds like a freakin' medical journal...and I couldn't put that on happy christmas paper...:)

Honestly, I am blessed. There are so many other things that could have happened...we have life ALTERING issues, but not life THREATENING...we are fine, and for the most part, happy!

I hope this letter finds everyone who reads it, happy, healthy and full of love.

Hoping for a blessed 2012...for all of us!!