Changes.

My oldest, JT, graduated in 2013. He attended DMACC in Ankeny for two years, living with us, and driving to his classes. He worked out at his Grandpa's farm on his 'off' time. He moved out on August 1, 2015. Not going to lie, I loved having him stay with me for two more years. On Monday, he began his journey at Iowa State University majoring in Agronomy. He is living with four other guys in a great house off campus. He's moving on. I know I'm supposed to be able to let him go. At his age, I was MARRIED and PREGNANT with him!!! I guess time marches on, with or without my permission. 

My Ben, last Thursday, started DMACC in Boone. He, too, is commuting. I am thankful he hasn't left me! His classes this semester are over by 12:15 pm. He lives with us, and is working a lot at Casey's General Store two blocks from our house. He's not entirely sure what he wants to do yet, but he's getting his gen eds out of the way in the cheapest way he can...which is smart!! 

My Levi, started 7th grade. He's in the "Big Building"...and Mommy is freaking out. He's doing good. I know he is...so, anyone...why am I so damned emotional? This year has been so darn hard on me??

I always try to find the positives in my posts. Right now...even though I know there are TONS of positives, I just want to find a time machine and throw me back about eight or nine years, knowing what I know now, and just throw my arms around them and never let them go. I have a feeling I'm not alone. 

To all my friends who are 'adjusting' right now, like I am...we'll get through this. Love you all.

Fourth and FINAL...(finally!!)

Now, there were more hurdles to jump. Ben started having more trouble with his eyes. He developed iritis. This is a painful inflammation of the iris. It's like arthritis of the eye. This flared up from time to time, and every time it happened his vision got even worse, if that was possible. He was also struggling with chronic nosebleeds. Eventually, he had to have nasal cauterization. That slowed them down for awhile, but he does still have this problem from time to time. Mostly during allergy season. (The twerp won't take the nasal spray that is supposed to help, so I only feel 75% sorry for him when it happens. I'm kind of a bitch that way.) Again, these are just things he has to live with. We do our best to keep them under control, but sometimes no matter what you do, you can't stop things from happening.

JT started having very red and painful eyes, too, and was diagnosed with CLARE (contact lens associated red eye) Basically, it means that not enough oxygen gets to his eyes when he wears his contacts. However, he can see much better with contacts than glasses, and even though we spring for the most breathable contacts on the market that can fill his prescription...again, a hurdle. It helps if he doesn't wear his contacts for full days at a time. He recently got new glasses that are probably better than most of the glasses he's ever had, and I think he sees pretty well with them, but he still prefers contacts.

Remember when I told you that the boys were not supposed to be in contact sports? I will never forget the day, when JT came home in tears...because he wanted to play football more than anything. I was torn, but I was sticking with what the doctor said. NO WAY! John and JT kind of...'went over my head' and he went out for football in seventh grade. I agreed to let him be the kicker. JUST the kicker. I think that lasted one game, and then he pretty much played the whole time. Those games..I practically needed a barf bag I was such a wreck. I was excited for him, but incredibly scared for him. One time, he came running off the field holding his eye, and I almost lost it...but as it was, he had either lost his contact or got something in it, I can't remember which...but yeah, that one almost gave me a heart attack. And two years later, Ben was out for football too. Double stress ball over here. Like I said, I loved watching their games, and I was proud of them and happy for them, but just so incredibly worried!! This is Ben's senior year, we are four games into the season. All is well. Hang on, Mommy...we're almost there!

And they were both able to get their licenses! It took Ben longer to get it, but they finally found the right prescription for his glasses and he squeaked by, but cannot drive at night. JT started out not being able to drive at night but eventually got his prescription tweaked enough to get his night driving. Thing is, every year they both have to submit a vision statement from the eye doctor in order to keep their licenses, so that is sometimes stressful, because depending on if something is flaring up, they may not see as well as other times. Also, their eyes are not going to get better. We just hope they stay as good as they are for a long time.

Then, when John turned 40, all of the sudden, one side of his face went numb. It just hung there, he couldn't really even drink without some of it spilling out! We were like, what the hell?? He went to the doctor, and she diagnosed him with Bells Palsy. He was put on a strong antibiotic and within a couple weeks it seemed it had gone away and things got back to normal.

"Normal."

Maybe a year or so later, John started having weakness in his legs. He wasn't able to pick up his feet like he used to. One foot started to turn outward more and more when he walked. He fell a lot...he was easily tripped up. He would cramp up terribly, at times just yelling in pain. Finally after awhile, we were sent to Iowa City. He had an MRI on his brain, and spine...they found something. There was a 'spot' on his brain and a 'spot' on his spine they were concerned about. We had to see a rheumatologist and a neurologist. They agreed he needed to have the spot on his spine biopsied to see what it was. The surgery lasted 12 hours. When the surgeon came in to talk to me, he said they weren't able to get a very good biopsy because the growth was wrapped up in his spine. They weren't even able to get a good sample. John was stuck flat on his back for five days in the hospital, for basically nothing. The diagnosis came back. Neurosarcoidosis. "Sarcoidosis" is a disease involving abnormal collections of inflammatory cells on your organs. Typically, it tends to start in the lungs, but John's started on his brain and spine. This is something that can go into remission (meaning it's not getting any worse), but it can also flare up. He was put on large doses of prednisone, methotrexate, calcium...and he operates at about 65%. He still goes to work, he can hunt if there's not a lot of walking on uneven ground, but he has had to make a lot of changes to accept his 'new' body, and it's been very hard to face his limitations. To simplify, it stinks.

There are a lot of times I wonder what I did to screw up my family so badly. Again, I know most of you would probably slap me for thinking this, but I can't help it. Of course, these are my darker times. I try very hard to find humor in the day to day. And there is a lot of it to be found if you don't mind laughing at morbid things! It's about finding things funny in the things that aren't particularly funny. I'm pretty good at it. There's more than that, though...

There's family. My family and John's family are simply incredible. You could not ask for more support. They pick us up, the help us out, and mostly they love us and are always there when we need them, even if just to vent. People tell me I'm 'amazing'...and I always have to laugh at that. I'm not. Do you know how many times I've gotten mad at God? Just hauled off and told him what I thought of his 'plan'? More than I can count. But usually after I'm done letting Him know exactly how I feel, when I calm down, I am able to see the beautiful things in my life. I see a gorgeous day outside. I look at the smile on Levi's face when he's truly enjoying himself. I see the energy in Ben's eyes when he's had a good football game...I am filled with pride when I see how hard JT works, both in school and at work. And underneath the smiles, the energy, the pride, are struggles overcome. These boys have each had to fight to get where they are in the world. Nothing, and I mean nothing, came easy. And, in some way, that makes it all a little sweeter. I don't get to take vacations. I don't drive a nice vehicle. My house is tiny. I don't have much...but my heart is full. At times, it's broken, sometimes it just plain hurts, but it reminds me that I'm alive, and that nothing is promised. You take the good with the bad. It makes those good times, those calm times, so much more appreciated. I had to be taught that. I'm glad I was. I mean, I could have done with a little less drama, but who am I kidding, I've always been a tad on the dramatic side.

I also have a lot of friends. Wonderful friends. Teachers and therapists, and doctors, I never would have met that have found places in my life. I want to list them, but I don't dare, because there are too many, you'd get bored, and I'd leave someone out.

So, that is a fairly shortened version of 'our story'. If you've read all four of these installments, I have to ask how on earth you have not been bored to tears by now. There were times I grew bored writing it. However, it is kind of therapeutic, and I'm really glad I went on this journey. Thank you for all the 92 'likes' to get me to do this...I hope you don't regret it! (and I can't believe it's only taken me 24 hours to complete!! HELL YEAH, BABY!!)

Love to you all.

Ten-four!

Part Three

Meanwhile, back in Levi's world, we were getting him started in therapy. Occupational therapy is what we started with. We went to Mary Greeley. We had two awesome therapists there, first Jen, then Camilla.  Camilla was awesome. She was from, Hong Kong, maybe? I don't know for sure, but she had a very...how you say...thick accent. Now, at this time, Levi is only just beginning to attempt to actually communicate properly with words. We had to start very small...like I would take a light up toy he loved and I would turn it on. He'd watch it, get excited, and then I would turn it off. Then, with some prompting, he would say, 'on'. Now, this may not have exactly been the perfect scenario...having Camilla with her...strong accent, and Levi trying to learn to talk. But let me tell you. It was damn funny. Pretty soon, Levi developed a perfect Hong Kong accent when he worked with Camilla. He knew where the toy cupboard was, and so he would walk over and stand in front of it. Camilla would say, "oooohhh Leeevi...what you want?? Shoo I opa dooah?" (open door). So Levi would say, "oopa dooah!" One day she was reading a book to him about animals. She turned the page and said, "oooohhh Leeeeevi, what is dat? Is that a furree karara beyah?" (furry Koala bear) So Levi, "furree karara beyah!!" After therapy, I would take Levi to Target, and he would pick out a little something. It kind of got to be our thing. Nothing much, something small, but it was something we did that he loved. Camilla used to say, "ohhhh Leeevi, are you going to Taaaahget??" So, Levi called it "Taaaaahget." One night, we pulled in and he looked at the big red letters, and said, "Taaaahget...tarr...TARGET" like he JUST THEN realized it had an R in it because he read it! It was so funny! At the end of every session, she would have Levi make himself a "peeenud buttah jello" sandwich. After two wonderful years with her, she moved, and we had to find a new place for therapy. Child Serve has been wonderful. He has had occupational therapy, speech therapy and food group. Now he does group occupational therapy and he does very well. He has his times where things don't go so well, but hey, who doesn't have a bad day once in awhile? There is something about Levi that has always drawn people to him, which is funny because he would prefer to just be left the hell alone. His therapists and teachers have all loved him...and that has been such a huge blessing. See how those blessings keep sneaking in there?

Back to Ben. Dr. Ferguson and Dr. Suh had been corresponding back and forth about all of Ben's issues. Then, Dr. Suh made a discovery. There was a connection between what was going on with Ben's eyes, and what was going on with his joints. It was called "Stickler's Syndrome". Ever heard of it? Yeah, me either. Stickler's Syndrome is a genetic disease that affects all of the connective tissues in your body. Joints, eyes, heart, etc. It affects one in ten thousand. Yeah, that seemed about right! The most prominent symptom of  Stickler's Syndrome is a cleft palate, and he did not have that, but there were also other facial features that were consistent with the diagnosis. They are not obvious, just characteristics. (because quite frankly, I think he has a cute little face.) SO, there we were. Stickler's Syndrome really is just a 'treat-the-symptom' type deal. JRA is a symptom. So are the eye problems. Other problems could be hearing loss, mitral valve prolapse, and numerous joint issues. I know there's more, but that's all I'm gonna say. Now, because JT had the same type eye issues, they decided to check him out a little further. He also has Stickler's Syndrome. Fortunately for him, the only symptom he has at this time is the eye problems. However, at any time others could emerge, so we have that to look forward to. (ugh). They claim that Stickler's is genetic. So, in a nutshell, my genes and  John's genes (I love this word) 'mutated' to give us two kids with Sticklers. I'm pretty proud. Well, maybe not proud, but 2 in 20,000?? I'm at LEAST special!!!

So, now, since we had two kids with Sticklers and one with Autism, the genetics doctors wanted to get involved. We went, twice. We could go through a series of tests that weren't covered by insurance and were only 70% accurate to see how this all happened, but in the end, I realized I didn't care how this all happened. I just wanted to know where to go from here and what the chances were of the boys passing it on to their children. The odds are pretty high. Also, the genetics doctor, in his report, referred to Levi as 'mentally retarded'. So, I was pretty much done with those people. Grr.

And there we were, my little mutant family...

(end part 3)

Part Two

Our appointment finally came. I was not the basket case I had been, but I was very nervous. We saw Dr. Morquendez in Iowa City. He diagnosed Ben with PVNS...a fairly rare disease of the joint lining. They decided it would be in Ben's best interest to do surgery. (*panic mode*) The surgery would basically be going in and 'cleaning up' the over growth of tissue surrounding his knee. Now, I realize this is not what it could have been, and thankfully they had stopped using the words 'cancer' and 'tumor'. But, what can I say. I'm a mommy. The thought of someone taking a knife to my baby freaked me out. But like I said, I was very thankful that it was no longer as scary as it could have been! Surgery day came, and it took longer than the doctor told us it would. But, he was pretty confident that he had achieved his goal. Poor Ben did not come out of the anesthesia very well...he threw up for quite awhile in recovery, but we got him in the car. snuggled him up in the back seat, and much to our relief he slept the whole way home. I can't remember how long he was out of school, a week, maybe? And when he went back, I will always remember how kind Mrs. Walker was to him, and very sweet letting him keep his leg up on a pillow...she took very good care of him, and of course, when someone is kind to your child, you hold a special place in your heart for that person. My heart is pretty big, because there have been so many people who have helped us along our way!! I will never forget, when Ben was still home, Mrs. Walker stopped over to give Ben his homework. Tom Isebrands was picking up his kids from daycare, and we were visiting when she walked in. She was, in her way, firmly telling Ben he needed to keep up on his homework, and she looked at Tom and she said, "Tom, tell this boy who I am!" And to look at Tom you would have thought he had reverted back to a little six year old boy, the look on his face was priceless. He said, "Ben, this is Mrs. Walker. My first grade teacher." Ben's jaw hit the floor. It was so funny!! After they left Ben looked at me and said, "How OLD IS SHE????"

Meanwhile, things were becoming very...interesting with Levi. My little 'quirky' 'meticulous' little guy was not quite hitting his milestones. He didn't have a lot of speech...he never called me "Mom"...and there were just so many things he did that often had me scratching my head. Now, I would like to give myself an 'out' by saying, maybe I was just too close to the situation to really see what was going on. He used to quote books I had read to him, and when he stopped, he wanted me to take over where he left off. I can't tell you how many books I memorized just so that I could do what he wanted. I liked it because he was talking, but it was never really a conversation...but it became the way we communicated. From the story he was reciting, he was able to tell me what he wanted. I'm not sure how I ever figured that out, but I did, and it worked for us. I was still in this bubble of thinking, he's so cute and unique!! (that is still true...but there was a lot more I should have been thinking. I blame the fact that I used to be blonde. Just let me have this one.)

One day, I was picking up the house after daycare. I had some flashcards. I dropped them on the floor. This, my friends, was my official Rain Man moment. Levi started helping me pick up the cards, handing them to me, telling me what was on them. These were letter flash cards, and he was handing them to me, saying, S. K. M. H. P. They weren't in order...he just knew them. Now, keep in mind, that he really did not communicate like this at all. My first thought, instead of wow! He's so smart! was, oh crap. This is almost like Autism. That weekend was Memorial Day weekend, and we went to Cutty's Campground with the Greenfields like we always did. I took the flashcards to show my sister in law, Dawn, and my mother in law, Judy, what he could do. I said the words out loud. "It's almost like Autism.." Dawn and Judy exchanged a glance, and Dawn said, "I'm so glad you said that!!!" Here, they had thought it for some time...and bonehead me...clueless! I was actually hurt, that they had thought it and had never said it. Really hurt...and when I got home, I called my mom and I told her about it, and she said, 'I wondered.." here she had been thinking it too! I was completely devastated that none of them had ever said anything to me! Then I kind of thought about it. How the heck would you tell someone that? I totally understand why they didn't say anything, what a hard situation. In their situation, I would have kept my mouth shut, too. And honestly, looking back, that's how it needed to happen. I needed to be slapped up side the head with it, and the flash card incident was perfect. So, I called Staci Thompson, to see if she knew who I should contact, and she got me the number of the AEA. They came and interviewed us, and observed Levi, and within minutes, they knew. In fact, they were kind of amazed at how 'text book' his behavior was. Classic Autism. Go big or go home, right? Way to go, Levi!

Next step, Iowa City. Center of Disability and Development. Levi was so scared. And we had to see a lot of people. Now, at this time, he was afraid of doors. And elevators. I wish I knew why. But he cried, pretty much the entire day. It was hell. My sister, Cathy went with us, and she can tell you just how awful that day was. That's all I have to say about that.

Then, we got him signed up for school. He started DLC on his third birthday. I was NOT ready to send him out into the world! I was scared for him, because he had so many fears, and no one knew him, and would they know what to do with him? Would they be able to understand what he needed?? This is when my faith came in handy, again...I had to let go, trust that God was watching him, and trust in the teachers. It was not easy. But, Mrs. Sloan was amazing. I liked her instantly, and she took very good care of my little boy.

Meanwhile, we noticed Ben's knee was swelling up again. After some back and forths with a couple of different doctors, they decided that we needed to take Ben to a Pediatric Rheumatologist. Enter one Doctor Polly Ferguson. Funny, as we were so focused on his knee, we didn't notice his ankle was huge, too! (another fine moment for me...) Turns out Ben was suffering from JRA. (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis) We've been with Dr. Ferguson for ten years. About every three to four months, we had to take him to Iowa City. He was on several different medications, and sometimes they worked, and kept the swelling down, and sometimes they didn't, and we had to try different doses, different medications...at times it was okay, at times it was frustrating, but it wasn't life threatening, just life altering. And I could deal with life altering.

One day, Ben started complaining about his back hurting. I thought it was probably because his backpack was just too heavy for him...it was kind of ridiculous! I could barely lift the thing! It kept getting worse, so back to the doctor we went. After some x rays, Ben got a new diagnosis. Spondylolisthesis. A small fracture in his spine. Some people can live their whole lives with this and never know they even have it, but not Ben! He ended up in a back brace he had to wear for eight weeks. He could take it off to sleep. He hated that thing. I didn't blame him, it looked like a corset. I talked to the school and they agreed to let Ben keep a set of books at home so he would not have to carry a heavy backpack, so that was very nice! Eventually that pain went away, and although he will always have that little fracture, it doesn't seem to bother him too much these days. Definitely a blessing!
(End of Part 2)

Here Goes!

For YEARS, people have been saying, "Kim, you should write a book." I'm not really much of a writer, as much as a storyteller...but be that as it may, my little family has had quite the journey. Here is some of our story. 

John and I were married in 1992. I was 19. A week after my 21st birthday, I found out I was expecting our first child. See, there was this Vikings game, and they played the Chiefs...when Joe Montana was playing for them...and well, I really thought Joe Montana was...well...a massive hottie. John was busy watching the Vikings cheerleaders...and well, nine months later we were blessed with a lovely 9lb 3 oz baby boy! TMI? You may wanna stop reading now. It's not going to get better. :)

JT was beautiful. Even though I pretty much freaked out about becoming a mother the entire time I was pregnant, once he came along, everything just felt right. He was healthy, he was 'totes adorbs' (hehe) and he was ours. 

20 months later, we were blessed again with another son...tipping the scales at 9lbs 13oz, a fiery little red-headed Ben came into this world...beautiful, perfect, and pissed. In fact, the hospital nursery wouldn't take Ben. They made him sleep in my bed with me. All the little twerp wanted to do was eat. 18 years later, and nothing has changed. Not the temper, not the appetite. He'll be the first to admit it.

So, there we were. This little family of four. A few years passed, and it was time to send JT to PRESCHOOL!! Kris Boyd, JT's preschool teacher, was concerned JT needed his eyes checked. You will notice, all throughout this story, how I was oblivious to so much. Yes, I had always noticed JT liked to have things right in front of his face, but it never really occurred to me that he couldn't see. Can you say, "DUH, KIM???" (if you can, you'll be saying it a lot.) 

We took JT to the eye doctor. Come to find out not only did he need glasses, but he was borderline legally blind. WHAATT??? Yep. Poor little guy!! I felt like a complete idiot. But, in my defense, he was born like that, and he adapted. Funny, how he just made do with what he had. I will never forget when he got his glasses, and he was sitting at the kitchen table, and he looked up at the wall, and there was this huge doorbell thing hanging there and he said, 'when did we get that?' Yeah, it had been there his whole life. 

So, we thought we better get Ben checked out. The first eye doctor we went to said, "He's ok. If anything maybe one step far sighted." We breathed a huge sigh of relief! However, after watching him more and more, we decided to take Ben to JT's eye doctor, Dr. Suh at the Wolfe Clinic in Ames. Come to find out Ben's eyes were WORSE than JT's. Eventually it was discussed with us that chances are, neither boy would probably ever drive. The boys were seen every six months for quite awhile...always needing different prescriptions, different glasses, different bifocals, you name it, we did it. Ben even had to wear a patch over his right eye for six months (a few hours a day) to strengthen his left eye. He hated the patch, so finally they gave us drops, that made his right eye blurry.,,making his left eye work harder. (One time, John accidentally put those drops in both of his eyes before he went to work...and he had to drive all over the place...HAHAHAHA....big whoopsie there!!!) Also, after more appointments, Dr. Suh told us that the boys would never be candidates for corrective eye surgery...and that neither boy should ever be in contact sports due to a high risk of retinal detachment. More crappy news!!

When JT was almost seven and Ben was five, I found out I was expecting again. I'm just gonna tell you, this one came outta left field! I was completely shocked, especially since I had always made it well known that I was DONE having kids...I wish I could lie and say I was really excited, but I wasn't. I was so afraid about going through this eye stuff again,..and I didn't want to! Everyone was full of 'congratulations' except one. When we told Lom Cavan, he looked at me, and just said, "No f**king way!" Finally, someone shared my reaction! However, about nine weeks in, I had accepted it, and was starting to warm up to the idea of having three kids. One morning, I woke up gushing blood. I was fourteen weeks along. I didn't really understand what was happening, and by the time I got to the hospital they told me I was within a half hour of dying. I lost the baby. I blamed myself big time...because of my initial reaction. I actually still do blame myself...I know it doesn't make sense, but I guess we all have our ways of dealing with grief. 

When JT was eight, and Ben was six, we were blessed with one Mr. Levi Greenfield. Born three weeks early, he weighed exactly 7lbs. I had no idea what to do with a baby that small. I was used to my kids coming out half grown!!! He was so cute! When he was eight weeks old, he spiked a fever. Dr. Nau put him in the hospital, for fear of meningitis...talk about freaking out. I was a mess...this was a very new experience...and I thought eyes were bad! After three days of a lot of monitoring, we were able to go home. They never really figured out the cause of that illness, but it never repeated itself and I count my blessings for that. 

Levi was a bit of a mystery. He was so hard to get to sleep at night. It got to the point where the only place he would sleep was in his car seat on the living room couch, and it had to be dead quiet except for his "special puppy" that played music for 15 minutes at a time. I remember having to tiptoe to bed at like, 8:30 when he fell asleep...just to try to keep him sleeping, and for a night owl like myself, that was a special kind of suck. I experienced some postpartum depression...I just felt like my entire life had just came to some crazy screeching halt. I would find out a little later how accurate that was. 

So, the next two years we muddled along. By nine months, Levi slept in his crib. He actually became a pretty good sleeper, but would not nap during the day, which made daycare naptime a little hairy! He was also very...as I always said, quirky. The way he played, the things he did...he was so meticulous...he fascinated me. Then, something happened....

One day, Staci Thompson, Ben's first grade teacher, called me to ask if I had noticed Ben's knee was swollen. When he got home I looked at it, and it was HUGE. He did not remember falling on it at any point, and it wasn't bruised. So, off we went to Dr. Greenwold (sp?? I can't remember) in Ames. He wanted to do an MRI. He called me personally when he got the results. He said, "Kim, I don't THINK it's cancer, but it does have tumor like tendencies. We need to get him in to Iowa City." So, we got the appointment set up, but the soonest they could see us was four weeks away. Let me tell you something. When a doctor uses the word 'tumor' about your eight year old son, and you have to wait four weeks to know for sure, your mind goes...well...bat shit crazy. 

One Sunday, at church...they had the 'annointing of the sick'. I took Ben up to have him blessed.  When we returned to our seats...I closed my eyes and tears just poured out. I remembered how people would say, "give it to God". I prayed while the tears fell down my cheeks..."God. I have no control over what is going to happen to my sweet boy. Please take this worry from me, and give me the strength to do what he needs me to do, no matter what the outcome." And...no kidding, people...the weight literally lifted from my heart. I felt it. Believe it, don't believe it, it happened. That was a very powerful and eye opening moment in my life that will forever be just between God and me. I don't talk about my faith much. I have always considered it to be a very personal thing. But that moment I will share with you. It got me through what came next.

(End of Part 1)

    

Confessions of a Woman on the Verge.

I have been thinking a lot about how my mother handled things when we were little. Always with dignity, poise and grace. I'm not saying she never got mad and blew up at us, I mean, although I would personally describe her as a saint, she is still human. When you are raising seven children, I can imagine sometimes you just reach that boiling point. I also remember that when we pushed her to that point, when Dad got home, we were about to get our asses handed to us...but I digress. Mom just never said some of the things that have flown out of my mouth in the direction of my children. And I only have three. It's a little humiliating when I look back on it. Like, seriously, Kim...did you honestly say that???

But the truth is, yes...yes I did. When JT and Ben were little, and they were pushing my buttons and not listening and they were on my last rapidly fraying nerve, I told them I was taking them to the "New Mommy Store" and they could pick out one they liked better and thought they could listen to. Now, we all know this store doesn't exist, but at the time THEY didn't know that and it proved to be a rather effective threat. They still talk about it to this day...I'm not quite as ashamed of this as I am about the time I asked Ben to take the garbage out and he started whining about it, and out of my mouth flew..."Ben! Grow a ball and take the freakin garbage out!!!!!" JT, of course, burst out laughing hysterically and continued for a long, long time. Ben, also found my frustration hilarious, thus ending in me taking the garbage out myself as they were both in hysterics. I had to wonder if my mother ever wanted to tell one of my three brothers to 'grow a ball' and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. Strike out for Kim...I know there have been other times where my darling older two boys (in very recent events) have been 'difficult' as teenage boys can be, and I have threatened many horrible things to their manhood if they didn't do what I was asking. I don't know why that is the first thing that flies out of my mouth, but sadly, it is. I think for Lent this year I'll try to stop threatening to cut off certain parts of their anatomy as a punishment...it really isn't very appropriate...which is why, I suppose, it's the worst thing I can come up with when they have pushed me too far...but by now, they have figured out that it is, indeed, and empty threat. I have also told them I was going to beat them with a red hot poker, which again, probably isn't going to happen. At the very least, I don't usually tell them that "I brought them into this world and I can take them out"...although I'm not saying I have NEVER said that..just not usually. That has to stand for something. (I hope.)

People often tell me how well I handle things. I wonder if these people are now reconsidering this...if not, there's more.

I have sent Levi to school without underwear. Honestly, I know when I got him dressed that morning, I had underwear on him, but I'm thinking he might have ditched them in the bathroom sometime between when I dressed him and when I sent him on his merry little way. Either way, I sent my kid to school commando. In jeans. With a zipper. Does anyone else see how this might have ended badly? Luckily, his teachers were nice enough to give me a call and alert me to the situation. Just last week, I sent him to school without socks. Seriously?? Where the heck is my head these days??? While I'm confessing, I have also let him eat a Twinkie and Dr. Pepper for breakfast. He wouldn't eat and he had to take his medicine!! I'm not proud of it...but I did it! Mother of the Year? Maybe not. Okay, probably not...especially after this morning when one of my daycare parents came in laughing and informed me there was a pair of Levi's underwear in front of the tree in the yard. I am terrified to know what they were doing there! I swear...only here...:(

There's more...soooo much more....

But right now, I have to go throw some underwear in the yard, feed Levi a Twinkie, hide his socks, threaten JT and Ben's manhood and hit the New Mommy Store...

Sorry, Mom...I just don't know what happened to me...but I'm pretty sure it wasn't your fault. :)

The Christmas Letter That Felt Wrong To Send.

Read this only if you want to! That way, I feel I sent one out, but gave you the option of not clicking on the link. :)

Our 2011.

We started out the year with surgery for John. They found a tumor in his spine, and some spots in his brain as well. After a seven hour surgery, that was supposed to only be six, they found that they could not remove the tumor, as it was wrapped around his spinal cord. They took a biopsy...and after a lot of consulting (he had a team of like, 20 doctors reviewing his case) they decided that it was neurosarcoidosis. This is something that will be with him forever. When things flare up, high doses of prednisone (a steroid) will improve symptoms. However, later on this year, after he had gone off prednisone, symptoms started returning, even though he was on methotrexate and plaquinil. His body is resisting treatment, and he is back on the steroids now. We are now trying to give him his methotrexate by injection instead of orally, in the hopes that his body absorbs it better this way, and hopefully, we can get rid of the steroids entirely. This is a disease that can actually go into remission, but so far, I don't feel that it has done that. He struggles to walk, and his lower extremities are comprimised. His upper body remains strong. We visit Iowa City a lot...but we just don't get the answers we want. Please, pray for him if you get the chance. 43 is much too young to feel this damned old.

JT is such an amazing young man. He stays on the honor roll, he plays football, which he loves. He had some injuries to his knee this year that kept him out of some games, but still managed to letter. I am so proud of him! He has a lot of wonderful friends that I have gotten to know, and the kid is just kind of amazing. He's compassionate, hard working...he's the apple of his mommy's eye...seriously. I couldn't ask for a better teenager. I wish that you could see him with Levi. He just loves that kid with everything he has...and that in itself is simply outstanding. Levi will be lost when JT is old enough for college....I can't even register the fact that he will be a senior next year. Why is it that you always have to find out the hard way that people are right when they say..."time goes fast..." Ugh.

Benny cracks me up...daily. He is such a witty little guy...and I am so proud of everything he has to overcome. This year, we found out that the arthritis medicine that he takes isn't enough. We had to add Humira injections. The crappy thing is the side effects. I am increasing his risk of like, six different cancers and auto immune disease. I struggled with the decision to put him on this medicine, but it really wasn't a choice anymore. His right knee was three times it's usual size...due to arthritis. We also found out that his eyes are not good enough for him to be able to drive. However, he bought a truck anyway. :) John's work was getting rid of the work truck, and sold it to Benny for $2. He named it Yamanashi and makes JT drive him around in it. It's hilarious. He is over the moon about it.

Levi is doing pretty well. He hates school...he hates talking about school...he hates having conversations, and well, if we would all just leave him the hell alone, he'd be elated. He lets us know when he wants to be tickled or teased...and when he wants to be left alone. He is actually doing awesome in school, but his classes are modified. We are so lucky to have people like Lori Soloviyov, Holly Herrick, and Jered Johnston in his life. They help me so much...and Levi honestly loves them. He is a blessing. He teaches me so much everyday...I am so lucky to have this little guy in my life...his laugh is completely contagious.

Me...I guess that brings me to ME...I am doing alright. I have a full daycare including a set of twins that are 3 months old...and another 11 month old baby...along with all the others, that is a lot of bottle feeding and rocking...but honestly, I love it. I don't get a lot done in a day, but at the end of the day, I feel like I have made a difference!! I TRY to keep up with housework...but fail daily. Sometimes I catch up, but it only lasts an hour or two. I struggle sometimes...with why we have been dealt the hand we've been dealt....but I have an amazing family...and very strong friends who hold me up when I feel like I can't anymore...could not be more thankful for that.

See? This sounds like a freakin' medical journal...and I couldn't put that on happy christmas paper...:)

Honestly, I am blessed. There are so many other things that could have happened...we have life ALTERING issues, but not life THREATENING...we are fine, and for the most part, happy!

I hope this letter finds everyone who reads it, happy, healthy and full of love.

Hoping for a blessed 2012...for all of us!!

Seventeen

Seventeen years ago, September 24, 1994, something happened that changed my life.

I became a mother.

I was so scared...would I know what to do...would I do what was right...would I be what this beautiful, 9 lb 3 oz boy would need? Would I know what to say at the right time?

Well, I don't always know what to do...but I know I do my best. I don't always know what to say, but I speak from the heart. I know that when he was born, suddenly, I didn't think about what I needed anymore, but just what he needed...and I felt a love like I had never known. I would have done anything to protect him...and still would.

John Thomas Greenfield is a blessing. This child changed me forever, and I remember holding him, rocking him, singing to him, worrying when he was sick, laughing when he did something funny, rejoicing in his milestones, holding his hand, and knowing my entire life had led up to his existence. I can never express what this day meant to me...the day he came into my life.

As he has gotten older, he has become a very remarkable young man. He is so smart...way smarter than he should be with me for a mother...(good thing he got his brain from his daddy) He is loving, compassionate, caring, considerate, and he always knows when I need a hug. He is so amazing, has lots of friends, and is such a good big brother to Ben and Levi. He pushes Ben to try harder, and he loves Levi unconditionally, and accepts him for who he is with love in his heart. He has had to deal with his share of hurdles (especially his eyes) but always seems to come out on top. I admire him as a young man...he sees things as they are and makes the best of situations...I could not be prouder.

Love you, JT. Happy Birthday...you can never understand what you have brought into my life.

The Week From Hell.

It all started last Saturday.

I woke up feeling h.o.r.r.i.b.l.e. I mean, that awful, hurts-to-wear-clothes-your-body-hurts- feeling...along with an insane sore throat, and a sinus infection I am positive came straight from Satan himself. Every time I tried to get up the room would spin, and I would have to sit back down. I had a fever, so there was the hot/cold/hot/cold...blankets on/blankets off issue going on, and I could not get comfortable no matter what I did. The only thing that provided any relief was to soak in a nice hot bath, which I did about every four hours. I think I might have been the cleanest person in town. Sunday brought no change, although I did manage to get some laundry done that day instead of just laying on the couch.

By Sunday night, I was fearing that Monday may not bring any change, and that I would have to take the day off. Ohhh how I hate doing that to my daycare parents!! The guilt!! But, alas, I did have to take that day off. After I felt I had contacted everyone, I went back to bed, and finally after a very restless night, I managed to fall asleep. I had no idea how much time had passed, when I was awaken by a little voice saying, "Kimmie!! Kimmie!!" OH SHIT!! I forgot that Luke and Stella were staying with Grandma!! I didn't call Grandma!!! I still feel just awful about that...but my beautiful Glenda was willing to fill in for me, so Grandma was able to take the kids over there!!

I wasn't able to go back to sleep, so I flipped on the TV. On a side note, daytime TV is so lame, there just aren't even words. Eventually that day, I did get to the doctor. She mentioned that my stress level is out of control (what?? are you kidding?? this is a huge surprise!) and I need to sleep better and also that the more stressed I get, the more sick I'm going to get. After giving me a prescription for a nice antibiotic and a sleep aide, I was on my way.

As it ended up, I think my families were a little scared to come back on Tuesday. They all decided to give me another day, which as it ended up, I really needed.

Then came Wednesday. Pretty uneventful, I was feeling much better. I worked a normal work day, took Levi to therapy, and rushed back to go to "God School" as Titus calls it...and see the entire congregation standing in front of the church...yeah, no one unlocked the door!! And here I am with the key and I didn't pull in the parking lot until 6:31!! I don't think anyone was TOO mad, but I felt horrible about that!! But other than that, Wednesday just felt like Wednesday.

Then came Thursday. Only three kids showed up as I had to take off with John for Iowa City. We had to leave at about 10, and Grandma Judy graciously watched the daycare kids until noon. Ben had an eye appointment at 9:40 in Ames, (routine six month appt) and so Grandpa took him to his appointment and John and I headed out.

John had to have a CT scan on his chest, and 3 back-to-back MRI's. We got all of this done on Thursday. We got a hotel room and spent the night because we had Dr. appointments on Friday. Here is what we now know.

We have baffled the entire staff at the U of I Hospitals and Clinics. John's symptoms are consistant with both sarcoidosis and lymphoma. They have been, unable even to this point, to pinpoint one or the other definately. With more than twenty doctors reviewing our case, nothing is for sure, but we know this much. He is responding to treatment. The MRI's are showing that the areas of concern on his brain are all but gone. There were smaller lesions all the way up his entire spine, and those are gone now. The biggest area of concern with the most swelling, his lower spine, shows the some of the swelling is going down. This is all really good news. However, we just don't have that...you know, 'answer' that we want. Both sarcoidosis and lymphoma would respond to this same treatment. I don't like the 'cancer' thing hovering over our heads like this, but as of now, it looks like it's something that we are just going to have to live with. We will be going back to Iowa City on April 5th. The doctors are going to continue to keep a very close eye on John and do further testing and when it becomes necessary.

On Thursday, after all of his tests, John and I were doing a little shopping, him at Scheels, me at Target, and I get a phone call from Ben. He sounded really upset. He proceeds to tell me that at the eye doctor appointment, they realized that he has fluid behind his left eye. (this could cause blindness...it has already made the vision in his left eye much worse) On Monday, we have to go to Dr. Suh and he has to take fluid out from behind his eye by sticking a huge needle in the side of his head. He is terrified, and I am stuck 160 miles from him. I tried to calm him down as best I could, then called my Dad...then Glenda. They calmed ME down. Then it was back to the hotel, and finally the hot tub. It felt amazing, and definately melted away some of the tension! I slept pretty well that night, with the help of the hot tub, and ambien!!

Friday, we got up and went to his doctor appoinments, and then it was homeward bound. Ben and I got some snuggle time in, and I think we both felt a lot better.

So, now we just have to get through Monday!! Pray for Ben, and for this proceedure to not be nearly as awful as it sounds. I don't want to pass out at the eye doctor...*sigh*

Thanks for all the calls, concern and love we get from all of you. I couldn't get through any of this without my amazing support system!! Just remember to always be so thankful for all of the blessings in your life...and never to take them for granted. You don't know when they can be taken from you..

Valentine's Day Insight...

I don't know that I will ever fully understand Valentine's Day. It is supposed to be a day to let your sweetheart know how much you love them, so why do so many of the gifts in which you might give to your significant other make them either fat, drunk or smell better? I mean what are we trying to say here, and why are we so honored to recieve these gifts?? Take candy, for example. You get a box of chocolates, which of course, you are going to have gone within a day or two only to put on a few more pounds you will eventually have to work like hell to shed, right? What your significant other is actually saying, is..."I love you. Eat this candy I give to you with love that you will become the size of a house so no one else will ever want you and I won't have to worry about you cheating on me." Or, how about wine, for instance. What your loved one might be telling you is, 'here, drink this wine, and then I at least have a chance of sleeping with you tonight, or better yet, you'll become comatose and we won't have to talk at all!!' Perfume? "You stink. Try this." Flowers, 'at least there will be SOMETHING pretty in the house, seeing as how it isn't you..."

And then of course, are the single ladies who are sad because they don't have a "valentine" to give them these offensive gifts! You girls should be forming some sort of sisterhood and partying your asses off for being smarter than a lot of us!! Trust me, there are negative messages being sent all over the world on this holiday and you are lucky to not be a part of it!

I'm not trying to completely dismiss this day, I'm sure that it is very important to a lot of people, it just seems like maybe I'm looking a little too far into this entire thing..maybe it is insanely romantic, and since I've been married for eighteen years, it's just kind of lost significance over time...for me, anyway.

However, my husband has made sure that I will be both fat and drunk by February 15th. I love you too, baby.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!!

Just a Sunday Night

Super Bowl Sunday has never really meant much to me, but tonight, we had our own little party! It was so fun having Grandpa, Jacob and Melinda over to watch the game! We had a lot of really fattening snacks, and even Levi got into the action, even though he kept yelling, "Go Vikings!!" He decided a couple of times that he loved football and was laughing at the screen and clapping! It was so cute. About the third quarter he was done, so we came downstairs to do some drawing and 'label making'. It was awesome because he was in such a great mood!

The funniest thing of the night, by far, was when Ben and Melinda were snuggling on the couch, and Levi wedged himself right in between them and started 'flirting' with Melinda! Poor girl, I'm not sure she knew what to think but it was completely adorable. Levi just loves girls! I wonder if it will always be like that when one of the other two boys bring home a date...Levi will try to 'steal' the girl!! So funny.

We have so much to celebrate right now. John's diagnosis, though not really 'good', is so much better than it could have been, and hopefully with the right treatment, things will get back to normal! It has been such a long hard road for all of us! You really start to realize just what you have in this life. I have a wonderful family, not just my immediate family, but extended as well, and FRIENDS...I think we found out just how many friends we really have! It was humbling, and totally awesome. Thank you to everyone, for everything. There are no words to express how much you have all meant to us, the prayers, the cards, and just the general concern. So many of you were so willing to do whatever we needed, and that was just so incredibly amazing.

I am blessed, there is no doubt about it. I am so lucky, and I wish everyone could be as lucky and as blessed as I am.

Keep the prayers coming! We aren't done with you yet!!

Love you all...

~Kimmie

Diagnosis Sarcoidosis

If you would like to look this up, you can go to www.stopsarcoidosis.com . It gives a nice overview of what it is. It's not good, but it's definately better than anything we were thinking!! So, no radiation, no chemo. (we don't think anyway!!) We will be going to see the rheumatologist in Iowa City on Monday, and hopefully we come out of there with a plan of action and some good drugs!!! John's mom was diagnosed with this a couple of years ago. They treated her with prednesolone (not sure I spelled that right) but it's a steroid, and should help take down all the swelling around the base of his spine, hopefully giving him back use of the lower half of his body!! Like I said, this isn't ideal by any means, and it's something you have for the rest of your life, so it's not like I feel like throwing any parties, but this is so much better than cancer!!!! I have been so scared!!

Now, about the other thing, yesterday John's leg swelled up pretty huge, and the doctor is afraid it's a blood clot, so he is on his way to Webster City to have an ultrasound, and we may be looking at a night in the hospital, we will have to see. If you have a daycare kid here, I"m going to be calling for an early pick up so I can get over there!! Also, I will be off Monday for the appointment in Iowa City.

I truly believe that all the prayers have helped and continue to help. If there is ever anything you ever need me to pray for, let me know, I owe many people many prayers!

Our lives just may be a little closer to normal someday!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!

FrUsTrAtEd

I have to admit, today hasn't been a positive one. We were supposed to have the results of John's biopsy by now, and John ended up calling Iowa City only to spend time on the phone with several people who knew absolutely nothing even with his chart sitting right in front of them. I am trying so hard to keep looking on the 'bright side' of everything, but it wasn't coming so easily today. I know these things are petty, but my van also decided to expire on me, and our computer got a virus that is rather severe. It's at the computer hospital now. I also got bleach on my favorite pink shirt, and then Stella grabbed hold tight and broke my necklace. Taryn pooped through her clothes in the morning, and Stella did it in the afternoon. I didn't get Stella's bottle top screwed on right and it spilled all over me and her, and I tripped going up the stairs and smashed my shin. I mean, ever had days like that?? I have them all the time but maybe today I just wasn't in the mood. I am tired of waiting for the news of the biopsy, I am tired of poor John feeling like hell, I'm tired of his legs cramping up so bad he screams in the middle of the night and there is nothing I can do, and I'm tired of always feeling like I'm never quite good enough.

So, what do you do when you feel like this? A few things. First, I make sure to play memory with the daycare kids because I always win. Then, at lunch I feed them chocolate pudding so I can laugh at their little chocolate beards. I put them all to bed for nap except for one snuggly one, which I will rock until they fall alseep, and so does my butt...then I lay them down. Then we play 'who's mom will come first' and when I tell them I think MY mommy will come first, they think it is the most hilarious thing that my mother will come and take me home...but if they only knew just how much my mommy still took care of me, I doubt they would find it that funny!! It's so true!!

I made a good supper, went to the basketball game, got to spend time with the boys' friends...HI JACOB!! and hang out with John. Then, I came home, decided to open the bottle of wine from Kellie...(NICE CHOICE) and decided to blog a little.

You know, I think I might be feeling a little better...:)

Please pray for me to have patience and positivity!! I am trying sooo hard!!!

<3

You realize you are more tired than you thought when....

Yeah, so yesterday all I wanted to do was shower!! You feel pretty scuzzy when you are just laying around. So JT and Ben, John and Judy were going to come visit us, and I figured I could slip away and go over to John's sister's house to grab a shower...seems very simple doesn't it? Leave it to me to make it complicated!!



I go to leave the parking ramp, and somehow take a wrong turn and end up with all the service vechicles and unable to just drive out. I make kind of a 'three point turn' taking out two cones. Embarrassed, and hoping no one saw, I sheepishly creep out of that area and head for the exit. I go to pay the lady, drop my money on the ground, and non-gracefully I slide out of the truck to pick up the money slamming my head into the door on the way up. Rubbing my head and feeling stupid tears begin to form, I hand the lady my money, again...and I take off for Dawn's.



It is so nice that she just lives a little ways east of Iowa City!! However, I decided to go west on the interstate instead of east. So, once I realized (almost instantly, but too late) what I had done, I had to get off at the next exit and turn around. After one illegal u-turn that I totally got away with, I was on my way, in the right direction. Shower, here I come!!!!



Now, I thought I had listened to Dawn when she told me how to get to her house, but ended up at a funeral home, and had to sit there and wait for her to come get me so I could follow her back to her house...seriously!! KIM!! HELLO!!



So I finally make it to Dawns, and I can't get John's passenger side truck door open, but I finally managed that...



Then, shortly after, I sank into a hot bubbly whirlpool tub...and it was great until all the sudden I think perhaps it was a little TOO hot because I started getting dizzy...haha!! I ended up taking three 'breaks', getting in, getting out, before I finally thought I was beginning to feel human. As I emerged from the bathroom, my nephew Blaine takes one look at me and screams and heads to the other room. Okay, so I was the color of Sebastian, the singing crab from The Little Mermaid...but I didn't think it was THAT bad til I caught a glimpse of myself...bwahahaha!! Nice...



Anyway, I let my skin go back to it's normal color before I put on my make up and did my hair...I headed out with instructions as to how to get back to the interstate...four wrong turns later, I was back on 80 on my way to the hospital...



Driving like some old blue haired woman who should have lost her license sometime in the 80's...I made my way back to Iowa City only to find that the friends I so desperately wanted to see had come and gone...not surprisingly...but still, just my luck!!

Finally at about 6pm, I was pretty sure I felt a sore throat coming on, so I took some NyQuil and knocked my ass out early.

I did get quite a bit of sleep, as well as you can do in a broken recliner chair...and was feeling a lot better this morning. We just had two visitors today, and I think that was actually a good thing. John's been getting up a lot today and is doing well, but his gown is flapping in the breeze leaving virtually nothing to the imagination!!

We are doing really well! The nurses are really impressed with how well he is getting up and getting around. He is using a walker which I hope we get to take home with us, but I have a feeling my big strong man will try to get out of it if he can. Our phones have been pretty quiet today, too, so we've been doing some dozing which has felt really good.

Thanks so much for all the emails and messages...it is so nice to get on here and kill time while John is napping...or as he is watching the game right now which I could give a shit less about...teehee. He is missing his big TV at home for the game. lol Feel free to email or message me or text and if I can I will get back to you. My phone doesn't always work in the hospital...but if I can there are places I can slip away when the opportunity presents itself, but I tend to not stray far from John just in case he needs me for something.

Keep the faith, and remember to hug your families, and turn a blind eye to those things that seem sooo annoying...one day that annoying stuff may be the stuff you miss the most!!

Love to all!

~Kimmie

Update

Okay everyone, here is what we know thus far.

The tumor is inoperable. The good cells and the bad cells are intertwined, and cannot be separated. What this means is that we will now have to look into radiation or chemotherapy to shrink the tumor. They did get a biopsy, but we will not have the results from that for ten to fourteen days. Using radiation is still used even if it isn't cancer. Optimistic little me still says it's not. :) This isn't exactly the news we wanted, but that doesn't make it bad news. I'm just calling it one step closer to the actual answer. One step closer to getting John back to his old self!!

Of course, prayers are still wanted, needed and appreciated!!

I hate hospitals. The sounds, the smells, the rules...I so appreciate being home when I'm stuck in a place like this. Usually I complain about being home too much, but right now I'd give anything to be there!! I want to hug my kids and tell them that everything is going to be fine. It is, you know. :) It has to be!!

Again, just take a minute to appreciate all that you have. Give thanks for all your blessings. I will keep in touch..

Kimmie

Life's Alterations

I know that John really doesn't want me to blog about this, but as so many people are asking, I just want to give the information. Plus, John doesn't read my blog. Teehee. (Be quiet, Judy!)

Our family has most recently been hit with a little more 'life altering' news. John has a tumor in his spine. We will be going for surgery in Iowa City on January 20th. It is a five hour surgery, and he will spend five (or so) days in the hospital. They have to biopsy the tumor. That, in a nutshell is all that we know.

So many of our amazing friends and family have been asking what they can do to help. I promise, if I come up with a job for you, I will tell you what it is, but for right now, the biggest thing any of you can do is pray for us. I know, it seems small...but it is bigger than any one of us. The power of prayer is amazing. I've seen it first hand many, many times, and I believe in it. We are truly, truly blessed to live in this amazing community, where so many people care and have offered help in so many ways. People bitch about small towns, but I say there is no other place I would want to be. A small town is like a family. Sure, we may all know too much about each other, and we may want to rip each other's heads off sometimes, but when things get rough, we rally. John and I have been truly humbled by the love we have been shown recently. Thank you, everyone, for caring and helping.

I have had a lot of people say, "Kim!! How much more can your famly handle??" I have thought a lot about this. JT and Ben with Stickler's Syndrome, Ben with JRA and spondylolythesis, JT near legally blind, Benny actually legally blind, Levi with Autism, and now John with a tumor. It is a lot for any one family. But the cool thing is we have hung tight AS a family. We love each other unconditionally, no matter what the problem. We understand each other. We can talk about the hard stuff and deal with it, TOGETHER. I don't know, I mean, I'm not diggin' the issues thrown at us, but talk about making you realize the strength of your family! Do you know that a lot of families faced with Autism alone crumble under the pressure?? It's true! There have been studies!! But not us. It would be easy to be really mad at God right now, but I think he's trying to prove to us what we have in each other. I think he's trying to step in and show us what we have, and to never take it for granted. And I think that is a pretty cool message. Intense, actually. Well, God, you nailed it. Message recieved! Now, let's stop this particular 'test' and give us an "A" so we can move on to live a long happy life together!!

If you read this blog today, please comment or message me. I need to hear from my friends! My friends have been such a huge part of my life, and I love making you all laugh and sharing silly stuff!! Laughter, well, it's coming a little slower these days, but I know hearing from you will help get my spirits back where they need to be in order to get through this new 'adventure' in our lives. Even if we barely know each other, give me a shout out. Also, hug your families. Each and every member. Make sure they know how much they mean to you. Nothing is promised.

Also, if you are a buddy of Johns and are concerned about him, I want you to give him a call. Just let him know that you are thinking of him...his cell is 515.310.0174. He works from 8-5 so maybe not then, but please just let him know that you care. He needs everyone in his corner in a big way right now. The more love coming his way, the more power he will have to get through this operation and get on his way to recovery.

If you just want to check on him at any time, my cell is 515.310.0271. During the day I do better with texts, but I will be glad to keep you all updated and give you any information that I have.

Thank you all, for your support and love. I hope I can always return it to you whenever you need it! Keep the prayers coming. We feel them.

Interesting Facts about Levi

Awesome Facts About Levi

1. He never wears pants at home. Not even in winter. He just doesn't want to. I try to make him keep them on at least until the daycare kids go home, which most of the time I manage, but sometimes, he is just too persistent! He used to actually throw his pants in the garbage, but he doesn't do that anymore.



2. He says whatever he wants. One day he wanted to go to Wal Mart, but I told him we had to stop at Fareway first, and he said, 'son of a bitch!' The funny thing is, so much of his talk is so random, but 'son of a bitch' came out making perfect sense, and in context. Oh, he got in trouble, I don't just let him get away with it, but it was really hard not to laugh...



3. He has more of a social life than I do. He has friend nights with Jered two nights a week, and they go out to supper and go swimming! For those of you who haven't been lucky enough to meet Jered, he's a good time!!



4. He can imitate any language perfectly, and one time, his teacher was testing him on his counting, and she said, "I KNOW he can do this, but when I was actually testing him, he would only do it in Spanish..." HAHA! This was when he was 4!



5. He draws better than me. Especially cars...but he's getting really good with dogs (perros), cats (gato), and mice (raton).



6. He is probably the only person I know who has licked the conveyor belt at Wal Mart. He really enjoys licking things...this has kind of slowed down since he gave the soap a curious lick...



7. He still gets to ride in the cart at stores...and this will go on until I can't lift him in there anymore! Don't want him to run away!! He gets pretty independent!



8. He laughs more than anyone. Such tiny things are SOOO funny...I wish I laughed as much as him! He can watch the Geico commercials forever, and they are funny every time!



9. He can spin any object impressively. You just have to trust me on this one, it's amazing. Ask his teachers. He has to have 'spin time' scheduled into his day.



10. He has the sweetest singing voice ever...and once in awhile he will even sing a whole song all the way through without stopping, or getting stuck on one phrase...I just LOVE when he sings to me!

These are things that I look at and think of over and over again, especially when we have a period of time when things aren't going so well, like recently.

He's sick. I mean BAD ear infection and sore throat and coughing his little head off. To the point of puking. So...here's what happened.

First of all, my sister in law wanted to get my mother in law the best present ever. A FAMILY PICTURE! And honestly, that was an awesome idea. Now, I know Levi doesn't dig pictures, but I'm telling you, I truly thought I could mentally prepare him enough that he might not be SMILING, but he'd be...indifferent, at best. BOY was I WrOnG!

We decided on wearing black and white for the pictures, and everyone showed up looking sooo nice! I thought we did well picking out tops!! Well, Levi walked in and instantly got so worked up that he started coughing to the point of puking. So, needless to say, the picture is of thirteen people. Of those thirteen people, twelve are smiling, one is screaming, covering his ears AND his eyes. In my hand, is a wad of paper towels filled with his barf. :) I know, a lovely visual, right? I felt so bad. I felt bad I put him through that knowing how bad he was feeling, but I also felt SO bad for ruining my sister in law's amazing idea for her Mom's Christmas present! Ugh!!

This is when autism gets tough. First of all, had he not gotten himself that worked up, no barfing, right? So that wouldn't have been an issue. And, who knows what threw him. The fact he didn't feel good? The lighting? The sound of the building? Someones perfume? The camera? WHAT?? The truth is as it always is with Levi...I will probably never know. And, if Dawn and Judy are reading this, they are going to tell me NOT to be upset! They love Levi no matter what, and it is what it is, and no picture is worth it...and even though I know they mean that 100%, there is that part of me that feels so responsible for screwing things up...a feeling that kind of comes with the territory.

But, one night, I had this dream, that Levi was just your typical boy. He did everything like he was supposed to, he had 'normal' meltdowns and he could tell me what he was thinking, straight out....not in a roundabout way...and I didn't know him. Here was my little boy talking like every other little boy, and I didn't know him at all...and I realized that was because that isn't my Levi, and it never will be. I can say 'I've come to accept that' but the truth is, I have to accept it in different ways every day, almost. Every trial, every time something in our lives change, I have to accept it all over again in a different way. But I will always choose to accept that child for exactly who he is. No matter how frustrated I get at times, I have never wished that Levi was anything but himself, and I never will.

God made Levi exactly how he wanted him. And I was lucky enough to get to be his mommy. God also gave me two amazing boys, JT and Ben, who have had their own hurdles to jump, and have always done so with strength and determination. I am so proud of the children that God has entrusted to me and I hope that I can always be the mother that they need. I also pray that I can always be improving and always be insightful to the things they need, but cannot express.

If you are a mommy or a daddy, give your kids a hug tonight. Thank God for what you have been given, because children are gifts straight from God. So many people want them, and cannot have them for many reasons, so we need to remember to never take ours for granted, or wish for one second they are anything that they are not.

GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.

A Monday

One Monday morning, I woke up, stumbled into the bathroom, fell into the toilet because someone left the seat up, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand, and tripped over a toy Levi left laying on the kitchen floor. Not slowing down, I ran into the boys' room, turned on their light, and told them to get up. Then I went out to the kitchen to make coffee...and my first children showed up for the day.



After their Mom left, I realized that it had been fifteen minutes since I made my first attempt at waking up the boys. So, I blinked thier light, and told them a little more firmly to wake up.



The next kids showed up, and after THEIR Mom left, I realized another ten minutes had gone by, making it roughly 7:20, and that the boys were still not up. So, I charged into their rooms and yelled at the top of my lungs for them to get up, which only recieved a quick 'thumb's up' from JT even though his eyes were still closed.



By this time, it was time to take my little potty training girl to the bathroom, which I did. I see the first of my own children stumble out of their room with his eyes half closed. So, I go through the normal routine, "Ben, did you take your pills? What do you want for breakfast? Don't forget to feed the dog." All of which recieved no response from my semi-comatose 14 year old, but a slight glare behind his eyes...which were still half closed.



Then I realize it's 7:35 and I go to charge into the boys' room to get Levi up, and find that the door is locked. SO, I yell through the door, "Is Levi up??!" and JT says, 'Mmhmm.' Ten minutes later JT emerges from the room, and I go to grab Levi, who now has about fifteen minutes to get ready for school, only to find that he has peed the bed. GREAT!



I lift Levi out of his top bunk, (yes, he weighs over 60lbs) and I haul him to the bathroom to take the fastest bath that has ever occurred in the Greenfield house. I hose him down, dress him quickly, and throw on his shoes, and try to coax him into breakfast. As I'm trying to get him fed, two more kids show up. I talk briefly with the parents, and say goodbye, only to realize that Levi's backpack is missing...his ride will be coming in less than 2 minutes! I fly around the house, and find the backpack, putting it on Levi just as his ride comes...



Then, JT and Ben realize, with about five minutes to spare, that they both need lunch money. Another kid shows up...I write two illegible checks and shove the two older boys out the door. Time to get the preschoolers out! I quickly throw on their coats and shoes, tying the last shoe just as thier ride shows up...



I go to take a sip of my coffee, which is now, of course, ice cold. I dump it and pour another cup. The phone rings. 23 minutes later, I hang up the phone and go to take a sip of my coffee, which is again, ice cold. I dump it and pour another cup. The baby starts to cry...time for a bottle! I throw the bottle together, and grab the starving baby, and feed her. 30 minutes later, she finishes up the bottle, and she is happy to go play. I go to take a drink of my coffee...and guess what? Ice cold. I dump it, and fill it up again.



Running to the laundry pile, I quickly switch loads and a fight breaks out in the living room. After a quick 'come to Jesus' speech to the daycare kids, I go and finish switching the laundry, and the baby gets fussy. Time for a nap!! I lay her down, and go to take a drink of my coffee...yep, it's true...ice cold. I abort mission and switch to diet pepsi.



After playing with the kids, making lunch, cleaning up and reading stories, it is time for nap. I am laying the children down when I get a phone call. My Levi showed up to school with NO UNDERWEAR on. I call in a reinforcement and fly to the school with the underwear in my pocket...how embarrassing! I did recieve a lovely laminated 'Mother Of The Year" award from the special education teachers and aides. The day was not wasted!! I asked them if there was to be an assembly for me in the gym, or if it was more of an 'informal' award...I didn't get an assembly. Maybe next time, right?



Then, Levi gets home from school, throws coat, shoes, socks, and backpack all over the living room floor, throws a fit, bites me, and then settles down, finally...and starts laughing...and laughing and laughing. And the men in this house think I am an emotional roller coaster...pahleeze!!



So, our daycare day winds down, and the kids start going home. John has decided supper should be swiss steak, so I head to the kitchen to prepare it. I slice my finger. I am one of those people who could hurt themselves with a cotton ball...



After making supper, and cleaning up, it's then time for bath (again) and homework with Levi. Then, all four of my guys need haircuts...I get that done and start folding the laundry...and folding, and folding and folding. I tell the boys to put their laundry piles away, only to walk into their rooms the next morning to see it all laying on the floor. Neat.



Finally!! Time to sit down in front of the TV!! Guess what I get to watch??? Football. :( *sigh*



I decide to go to bed, and realize that Levi has beaten me to my own bed and fallen asleep. I decide to snuggle up next to him only to wake up at 2:30 a.m. soaking wet...he peed the bed.

Bring on Tuesday!!

Bedtime Story

There once was a lovely maiden named Celeste.

She was being held hostage by a giant,

A two headed Monster...

And a Tasmanian Devil.

The maiden was being held hostage in a huge mountain of laundry. Every day she was expected to wash all of the laundry, fold it, and put it away, only to have it all ripped out of the dressers and thrown to the floor, so she could never tell what was dirty, and what was clean! So, she would have to wash it all over again. Fortunately, she did love the smell of Gain, but that was her only happiness. After she finished the laundry, she was forced to clean the most disgusting bathrooms ever. The Tasmanian devil was the worst culprit, always 'shaking it' just a little too early before he was actually done...leaving a mess for the maiden that required six pairs of rubber gloves and a HAZMAT suit.

Through it all, the maiden cared for the giant, the two headed monster, and the Tasmanian devil...because she was a maiden of very little brain. But she did always try to see the good in them, no matter how many tasks they made her complete.

She also worked a full time job, watching the kingdom's children. The children made the maiden happy, but alas, only added to hear never ending cleaning workload.

The maiden also was expected to do all the cooking. Supper was to be on the table as soon as the giant, the two headed monster, and the Tasmanian devil got home from a busy day of doing...well, she didn't know what they did! She was too busy doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms, cooking and working a full time job...wasn't she!!

One day, while she was in her mountain of laundry alone, she decided to sneak out to see if she could get a signal on her EnV Touch cell phone. She knew the giant would be upset due to overages, but she simply had to surf the web to see if there was anything else in the world, other than laundry, cooking, cleaning, children, the giant, the two headed monster and the Tasmanian devil.

She read of a land far away, where clothes were optional and disposable. Where maidens were wined and dined, and treated much differently than she was used to! She decided to email the King of this land, and ask for more information about this wonderful place! Was it for real?

Just as she hit 'send', she saw the giant coming over the hill, so she quickly dove back into her laundry pile, and completely forgot about the email that she had just sent...

A week later, there was a knock on the pile of laundry...and outside stood a pirate!!

The handsome pirate explained that he had been sent by the King of Disposable Clothesland to retrieve the maiden and bring her back with him, where she was to live happily ever after!! Never would she have to do laundry, cook, clean, or wear rubber gloves again! She would be treated like a queen by the handsome pirate, and would spend the rest of her days surrounded by riches of every sort...

Just as the maiden was about to leave with the pirate, she suddenly came to a realization. She LOVED the giant, the two headed monster, and the Tasmanian devil! Maybe, she was already rich in a much deeper way!! She knew they loved her, too, but just did not know how to show it, as they were indeed, a giant, a two headed monster, and a Tasmanian devil...

So, as the pirate sailed away, the maiden turned and walked back into the mountain of laundry, and saw that the Pirate had left her the most wonderful gift of all.

A CASE OF RUM!!

The End.

Disappear

At conferences last night, I came across a 'lady' that has had a very negative impact in my life. The second she came into view, I just got this feeling...like, I wanted to either turn around and head the other way, slink into an empty hallway, slither off into a corner until she'd passed...just disappear so I didn't have to give my 'faux' smile, and act like I thought I was good enough to breathe the same air as her...but in reality, I don't! I don't feel like I'm good enough to clean her toilets...and it just kind of made me wonder, as it often does, why on EARTH I let people make me feel that way about myself!

I have struggled my whole life with my self image. I think a lot of people do, but one look from this 'lady' can make me feel bad about myself for an entire week. In high school, there was always 'those girls'. The beautiful, perfect, talented, always-have-a-gorgeous-date, amazing, stylish girls, who you stood next to and felt like a complete toad. I was more of the mousy-haired, dress on a budget, too short, too fat, too hyper, too loud, and too dramatic girl that people tried to avoid due to my annoying nature. Oh, sure, I was fun to stuff into a locker or put on the top of the pop machine and have to sit there and wait until Mr. Penning got me down...it was fun to pick up my golf-ball sized car and move it across the parking lot so I'd look like even more of an idiot when I couldn't find it...(thanks to the football team)...and even though people probably did a lot more laughing AT me than WITH me, I was unable to change any of myself, even though I desperately wanted to!! I just wanted to be one of those amazing girls...but alas, it was not in the cards. I am relatively happy BEING me, so my question, as it always is, is WHY do I give these people who make me feel bad so much power???

The 'lady' from last night, as an example, is someone whose friends don't even like her. If you mention her name, immediately eyes start to roll, and you'll hear things like, "Oh, HER..." It is clear, that she isn't the nicest person on earth, in fact she is a very selfish woman, and I'm not saying this to be vicious, it's just that it is very clear that SHE is the one who is not happy... and yet I place all this power in her hands, one glare from her and I'm re-evaluating my entire existence...why?? Because she is thin and beautiful, I feel that she is better than me in every way? Is the world really that shallow?

I so admire my husband sometimes, because he is one of those people who could care less what anyone else thinks. He doesn't just say he doesn't care, he truly doesn't. He does what he wants and when he wants (within reason) and I don't think he ever stops and thinks, 'gee, I wonder what this person thinks of me?'...I am so jealous of that because I am constantly wondering what others are thinking of me...when in all actuality, they probably aren't thinking anything at all!! I'm really NOT that important!

Anyway, why don't you think it over, and let me know if you ever feel this way...and if you have any fabulous ideas on how NOT to give the negative people in our lives the power to hurt us...because I really struggle with it!

And, then maybe some night we can go over and egg that lady's car...you know, theraputically...teehee!